how do i say i'm scared?
How do I admit I’m terrified when my throat closes up the minute I try to speak? How do I say that I don’t want XYZ to happen, yet I continue to think about XYZ happening?
How do I admit I have no idea what I’m doing + fear making an absolute fool of myself?
I feel the urges to speak up, I feel the pulls to scream out what’s thundering in my head so I can finally just release it, but I don’t.
Why?
Sometimes (a lot of times), it’s easier to express how I feel to my journal, or through my newsletters, than it is to tell my dearest loved ones. I know it’s not because of them. I know I can trust them with literally anything. Yet something stops me from expressing my deepest fears.
Is it fear of being abandoned? Is the fear that if I talk about whatever’s burdening my heart with them, they’ll leave?
Or worse. They’ll agree with the thoughts in my head.
Ding ding ding we’ve got a winner!
I’ll take fear of judgment for 500, please.
One thing's for certain, I am my worst judge of all. There's something in that, something in that judgment. I judge myself so harshly in fear that others, even my loved ones, are doing the same thing. Thinking the same things. So bringing it up, + getting that confirmation they're thinking what I'm thinking is… terrifying. Shameful. Disturbing.
But.
Every single time, when I finally get the courage to bring up my fears, THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. The judgment doesn't (usually) come. Instead, what I'm greeted with, is love. Compassion. Empathy.
Answers.
So now my question is, where the fuck is this fear of judgment coming from? What is the root of it?
I don't have a memory of my fears being confirmed when opening up myself to the ones I've trusted (trust). I do, however, have early memories of being judged for being myself. So did I take that early judgment + run with it? Become my harshest judge so no one else could?
That’s a possibility.
Before I started my healing journey, I was so mean to me. Calling myself stupid, unworthy of love, sensitive, thinking something was wrong with me. Ever since I’ve realized lack of love for myself has been a huge block, I’ve changed the way I speak to myself. I’m more loving, more compassionate, more kind.
But, one thing that hasn’t changed? My fear. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I’ve absolutely become more comfortable in fear in certain circumstances, but my fear of judgment is stubborn as fuck. She rears her head in when she has the chance.
But I’m becoming braver.
So here’s me, saying I’m scared as fuck.
…
Much love + healing,
Eb
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