Mine has nothing to do with family. Well…maybe a little. My mom wasn't really present (emotionally + mentally) growing up until late high school.
What really fueled my fear of abandonment, was the constant ghosting. Men making me feel “loved”, only to turn around and disappear. Most of the time, to another woman (maybe all the time). I'd get my hopes up + think, “this guy's different”. Turns out, he wasn't. My fear was so deep I let it turn to self hatred for a bit. My fear was so raw, I put permanent scars on my body. It was a repeating thought in my mind, day in + day out, how unworthy of love I was. How could I be worthy of love when the guys I dated just up + left.
No explanation. No sign.
Oh but there were always signs. I just didn't act on them. I was aware, but I carried on anyways. “He was different”. When a few days went by without hearing from him, + I finally got the courage to send “hey, what's up”… yeah, he's different alright. He at least replied, before ghosting right after.
What's wrong with me?
I'm ugly, of course no one wants to be with me.
I'll always be alone.
Day in + day out. It was so unfair how I treated myself. I was young. I was naive. I was hopeful. I had the best intentions with every man. It wasn't my fault they didn't. I acted with love, they didn't. Why am I to blame for that? Why am I the bad guy? Why is it me, who is punished?
Having my first, + most of my experience with men abruptly end with virtually no communication as to why… it makes sense why going six hours without hearing from my partner is terrifying to me.
My inner teenager is terrified he'll leave, just like the others.
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