Have you ever wanted to do something, and then you go to do it and start getting in your head about fucking it up or doing it wrong, so then you don’t do anything?
That’s me right now.
I’m feeling so bleh about writing. I know for a fact that I want to be writer; writing is one of my favorite pastimes! So then I’m like, okay…. sit down and write something, then! But sometimes, like right now, I go to write and the ideas leave my brain. They’re like, “oh you were wanting to write about this and wow everyone — too bad sucker”, and just disappear into thin air like it never existed. Or, I want to work on one of my bigger pieces like my take on the Black Lives Matter movement and how it was a manipulative scam, but then shy away and make ten thousand excuses as to why I shouldn’t work on it. Or, self-doubt and fear starts settling in and I begin to feel like I'm not qualified to write about certain topics or feel that every piece I write needs to be mind-blowing and jaw-dropping and so incredibly entertaining and smart and blah blah blah. The list goes on.
I put such high expectations on myself that I chicken out and do nothing. I IMMEDIATELY self sabotage. Like, what is that? What is my deal with thinking I need to create something magnificent every time I go to write? Hell, any time I want to do anything! I have this perfectionist mentality for myself when I don't even do that to others! It’s absolutely ridiculous.
Do I feel like I'll be judged if I don't produce something perfect? Yes.
Do I feel like no one will read my writing if it’s not 11/10 amazing? Yes.
Well, who fucking cares!? Why does that matter to me? Why do other people's opinion of my writing matter to me? Because then maybe they won't subscribe or support my writing. This isn’t just a hobby, this is what I want to do for a living.
Is that my reason for writing, then? Money?
Yes and no. My main reason for writing is because I enjoy it. Both the physical act, as well as the imaginative world I get to step into when I am in the flow of writing. I was the kid in school who took all the notes just because I wanted to write. I hardly studied off those notes, but still. Writing is so peaceful to me; so healing; so fun! I genuinely enjoy it, regardless if my audience is just me or millions of people. I will literally write until I physically can't anymore. My writing is for me. But! I also write for others to bring them joy and truth and healing. Which is why I started this Substack.
So, while I want money to be a byproduct of my writing, the main goal is to write for fun. So, who cares if people don’t subscribe because of a piece I wrote. It doesn't mean that piece sucks, or I won’t ever get subscribers, or get paid for my writing. Everyone resonates with different things. What's important is that the joy and peace I feel when writing is always there. That's priority — writing for the pure joy and fun of it. Some pieces I write will be absolutely trash. Some will be absolutely amazing and will bring in thousands of subscribers, even paid ones, and alllll the cups of coffee to fuel even more successful writing! Every experience will be different and that’s okay; as long as l'm enjoying the process.
So. This is me letting go of my perfectionist attitude. I am a human being goddammit! I need to chillax with myself and just… flow. Everything will be okay.
(If you’d like to help support while I come up with creative ways to market everything I do during my social media boycott, consider 1. liking this post, 2. subscribing to paid posts, 3. sending me a cup of joe to help fuel my 1am writing sprees, 4. sharing Thoughts by Another Human with someone who’s good vibes.)
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Peace + love,
— Eb